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Capablanca was waiting in a train station in New York one day, with his coffee, danish, newspaper and chess set, when a man approached him. Gesturing at the chess set, he asked if Capablanca cared for a game. Always delighted to play, Capablanca immediately set up the board, then removed his queen from the board, to even up the game. Annoyed, the man blurted out, "Why did you do that? You don't know me, I might beat you!" Unruffled, Capablanca replied, "Sir, if you could beat me, I would know you."

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! "What's it like, where you are now," he asked. "What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news." "Tell me the good news first." "Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them." "Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?" "You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

"I've created a chess program that mimics human play" said the computer science major.

"So it plays at GM level then?" asks the advising professor.

"No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!"

BERKELEY, CA - The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.

One board member, Claudia Starsniffer, compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. Starsniffer's list claims,

1. Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys.
   
   
2. Chess encourages racism by having a 'war' between a white army and a black army.
   
   
3. Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first.
   
   
4. Chess glorifies war.
   
   
5. Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens.
   
   
6. Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war.
   
   
7. Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.

Said Starsniffer, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!

A gentleman must play a game of chess with a blind person, he proposes to the blind person:
"As him cannot see he will grant an advantage to him as part of the deal. We will not play in equality of conditions."
"This sound really fair" replied the Blind Person.
Then he asks the gentleman: "When?"
"Very well", the other men responded to him "any night that you prefer."

2 friends see themselves by the street and one of them says:
- My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, it will take my children and it will leave me.
The other friend asks to him:
- And what you will do?
And the other answers to him:
- E4, how always!

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
"What a clever dog!"
But the man protests:
"No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

A Chess Player is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The Chess player says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets's pawn. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day; remember that the Chess Board is like an ocean; full of fish". The warden, does not play chess, he not had any idea what he's taking about; not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Chess Player turns to the warden and says,
"CHECK" "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water." The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "What fish!?"

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."