BERKELEY, CA - The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.
One board member, Claudia Starsniffer, compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. Starsniffer's list claims,
- Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys.
- Chess encourages racism by having a 'war' between a white army and a black army.
- Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first.
- Chess glorifies war.
- Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens.
- Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war.
- Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.
Said Starsniffer, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!
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